Thursday, November 24, 2005
The 55 gags!
1. A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
2. Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
3. Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
4. Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected”. After much thought he wrote: Yes!
5. Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: it's already raining.
Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.
6. Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.
7. Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
8. Sardar's wish :when I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..
9. Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!
10. Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
11. Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
12. A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai, Manmohan is PM not AM".
13. Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
14. Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
15. Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
16. A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
17. Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
18. A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
19. Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
20. Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage". It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
21. What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
22. Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing! by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
23. Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. The! n the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
24. As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
25. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26. What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
27. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"
28. How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
29. once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
30. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him “Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?)
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)
31. Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
32. Q - What is the difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
33. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
34. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
35. A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married; Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
36. Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
37. Papa: beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character thik ho jaaega.....
Beta: Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....???
38. Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
39. Sardar: Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
40. Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu: Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya: Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu: Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
41. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
42. Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
43. Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
44. Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master: Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer: I bet you, it won't.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It's addressed to Mumbai.
45. 1st thief: Oh! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! This is no time for superstitions
46. Man before Marriage is like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... “Where ever U Go Our Network Follows."
47. Santa: That Cow has a Lovely Colour
Farmer: Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!
48. Sagaai hui... Shadi Hui... Biwi ghar main aayi... ghar SWARG ban gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI...
49. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense
50. It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women.. and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
51. It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI
52. After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He checked 1st patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch & finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI
53. What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
54. Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!
55. A person who surrenders when he's WRONG is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person, who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND!
2. Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?
3. Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
4. Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected”. After much thought he wrote: Yes!
5. Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: it's already raining.
Sardar: So what? Take an umbrella and go.
6. Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer gave 11cr after deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs back.
7. Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it....
8. Sardar's wish :when I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the car he was driving..
9. Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that’s a mirror!
10. Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
11. Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still digging for more..
12. A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai, Manmohan is PM not AM".
13. Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be greater than this one?
14. Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
15. Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
16. A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
17. Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
18. A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student.
"My father cooks beans," said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
19. Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
20. Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage". It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
21. What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of friends.
22. Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing! by can't be heard. Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"
23. Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump. The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms. The! n the second patient jumps and breaks both legs. The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor. To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
24. As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
25. Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26. What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
27. Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
He writes a note and sticks it 2 pole "Thanks 4 d complement"
28. How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
29. once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so the man asked him why did he do so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.
30. Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar, where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours. After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day either. When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked him “Arre Puttar, ki hoya?" (What Happened, My Son?)
The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!)
31. Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'
32. Q - What is the difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
33. Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne Flag Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
34. How can a Sardar Kill a Lion? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard & comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo ta ra ra.
35. A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married; Guess what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
36. Wife: Honey...... What are you looking for?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour...??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
37. Papa: beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character thik ho jaaega.....
Beta: Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya hoga....???
38. Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki break fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
39. Sardar: Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!
40. Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu: Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya: Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu: Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
41. Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes and no.
42. Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born
43. Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
44. Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master: Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer: I bet you, it won't.
Post Master: Why not?
Customer: It's addressed to Mumbai.
45. 1st thief: Oh! The police are here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief: But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief: Hurry! This is no time for superstitions
46. Man before Marriage is like Airtel...."Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan"
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... “Where ever U Go Our Network Follows."
47. Santa: That Cow has a Lovely Colour
Farmer: Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its Skin...!!!
48. Sagaai hui... Shadi Hui... Biwi ghar main aayi... ghar SWARG ban gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI...
49. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense
50. It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women.. and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
51. It takes thousand workers to build a castle, Million soldiers to protect a country, BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI
52. After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He checked 1st patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch & finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI
53. What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
54. Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!
55. A person who surrenders when he's WRONG is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person, who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND!
